Julian Stannard's Clever Homour In Poetry

Funny and clever poetry – such a delicious combination.

For those of us with an ex, we know what it is to be submerged in the ‘water under the bridge’ … and Julian’s ex, like mine, also happens to be Italian!

"Boun appetito"

Boxing Day
by Julian Stannard

The dogs are going crazy.

I think Mother slipped them
some amphetamines.
A truly enormous ham
is being cooked
and the dogs are becoming idiotic and psychotic.
My ex-wife is late which is good
and not so good. Mother pulsates.
Welcome, ex-wife, have some ham.
I watch Mother slicing slicing slicing.
Two pieces of ham for ex-wife,
and three pieces of ham for me.

O Bethlehem!

In England we eat boiled ham, Mother says.

Do you like boiled ham? Mother asks ex-wife.
Ex-wife says, I have been to West Ham,
I may have taken the wrong line.
After the enormous ham
Mother shouts, Pudding!
and off she walks to the special shed.
I am left with ex-wife.
Shall we dance? No.
Water has flowed under the bridge,
says ex-wife. Not enough, I’m thinking.
Flee whilst you can, ex-wife! Flee!
Mother’s walking back to the house,
the dogs have conked out
in some post-amphetamine afternoon lockdown.
Mother appears with a trifle.
An enormous trifle.
In England, Mother says, we eat trifle.

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